Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.
~Dr. Mark MacDonald ld, San Antonio, TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's
anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
~Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died
of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to
the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
~Dr. Susan Steinbergm

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six
hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress, and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body. Now, the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
~Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Newfolk, VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After
a look of complete confusion, she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years when my husband was alive."
~Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR.

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste",the patient replied. 
I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly. 
~Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,Detroit, MI.
 
 
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair
styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing 
strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely
disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." 
~RN, no name

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when
performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously
formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I 
was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" 
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was 
an Oscar Meyer Wiener." 
~No Name